Oh dear. Someone posted this on Facebook and made me angry. Automatic course of action? BLOG ABOUT IT!
Let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start). I met a boy named Sean in middle school, when I was 13. We started dating at 15. We dated for seven years and our love evolved and grew into something beautiful and real. We knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We got married at 22, an age that most people consider "too young" in the modern world. We have been married for two years, and I couldn't be happier.
On our wedding day, both 22.
Almost everyone who knew us celebrated with an "It's about time!" when we announced our engagement in the summer of 2010. To our friends and family, we were not too young to get married because we had demonstrated a long-term commitment. Those who didn't know us, however, had very different things to say.
I'm focusing on the article linked above, because that was the last straw for me in regards to the "don't get married young" argument. The author, one Vanessa Elizabeth, directly states that young people view marriage as "hip" and "cool," and have the general attitude of "YOLO" when tying the knot. Um, excuse me? What makes you think that you have the right to judge the commitment level of two people in love? Can you read their minds? I can assure you, Miss Elizabeth and those who agree with her, that I took (and continue to take) my wedding vows extremely seriously. My age has nothing to do with it. I was just as serious on that late spring day at age 22 as I will be when I'm 35 (perhaps an age you consider more mature for reasons unbeknownst to me) about my marriage to the man I love.
Elizabeth (not sure if this is her real last name or a middle name?) then brings statistics to her defense, stating that "[t]he divorce rate for young couples is more than twice the national average." Well I certainly cannot argue with that, and in this sense I actually do believe her statement holds some weight. Are young people more apt to make uneducated, hasty decisions? Perhaps. I can't negate these statistics. However, marriage itself is a 50/50 shot regardless of age. Marriage is risky by nature. Putting off marriage for the sake of fitting yourself favorably into a statistic is not going to help a relationship. The only thing that can make a relationship work in the long run is extreme commitment and a lot of hard work. It's not fairy dust or fate, it's the desire of two people to make their marriage last in spite of all hardships. That is the kind of thing that transcends age. If you and your partner feel as though you have this kind of commitment, no one can tell you otherwise, whether you're 18 or 88.
Five days before we got engaged, age 21.
Elizabeth goes on to say this about the prospect of getting married young: "Because at the age of 22, I have no idea who I am, what I'm doing, and who I'll be doing it with for the next year... let alone for the rest of my life. And that's awesome."
Elizabeth, I could not agree with you more. That IS awesome. But I also have a bit of a revelation for you: You will NEVER really know who you are. Throughout your life, you will evolve and change as a person. That is the great miracle of living. No one is ever static. As a dynamic, fascinating human being, you will have experiences that will change you and redefine you. The day you stop growing as a person or completely figure yourself out is the day you are ostensibly dead. And this will not change no matter what your age. You are learning amazing new things about yourself and the world at age 22. And, for your sake, I hope you're still learning them at 32, 42, 52, and beyond. Because what otherwise would be your life? Are you saying that at a certain age it is acceptable to live that "white picket fence" life for which you hold so much contempt? When is that, exactly, and who decides? There will never come a time when you are "ready" for marriage. Your marriage will not be more stable because you are 32 instead of 22. Your marriage will only last if both you and your partner can adapt to the changes that life throws at you - together.
And then there is this
paragraph: "I have begun to notice a common thread amongst all these young unions: inexperience. Inexperience with
dating, traveling, risks, higher education, career direction, SEX, solitude,
religious exploration, etc… and it’s insane that I have already experienced
more of the world in the last 22 years than my married peers will ever
experience in their life."
I just can't even. The amount of
arrogance in this paragraph is simply staggering. How dare
you assess an entire relationship based on your limited perception of another
person's experiences based on age? How dare you assume that your life is
more complete simply because you (falsely) believe that you have
"experienced more of the world?" What does that even mean?
Your definition of life and experience may be entirely different from
those around you. Why is your definition automatically superior?
Did it ever occur to you that marriage is itself an experience? And why
is it that you assume married couples can't travel the world and meet new,
interesting people, which seems to be your definition of worldly experience?
Don't even get me started on the fact that this is the most first-world
definition of "experience" that I have ever heard of. The only
inexperienced person here is you,
Elizabeth, because the most telling mark of an inexperienced person is in the
gross generalizations she makes about people she doesn't even know. A
well-traveled person should learn, above all, not to make generalizations about
people based on anything - be it gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, or
AGE - but instead to judge them as individuals worthy of her time.
There is so much more that is, frankly, disgusting about this article.
Elizabeth claims that people who marry young are hiding their fears of
life behind their spouses. She obviously doesn't realize that marriage is
an adventure that introduces entirely new fears that teach you about yourself,
and that you will overcome in order to become stronger. Perhaps the most
telling example of Elizabeth's feelings is here: "I realize that those
friends are going to get knocked up and fat soon sssoooo in retrospect, who
really is winning here?"
Not only has this young lady written an
entire article based on age discrimination, she has also just shamed women for
their outward appearance and impending motherhood (which some married women may
not even choose to take part in). Outstanding.
If this was the problem of only one young woman's opinion, perhaps I
would not be in such an uproar. But this is a trend of thought that I
have noticed amongst many people and from which I have personally felt the
backlash. It needs to stop, now. Until you take the time to
consider a person beyond his or her age (or other distinguishing
characteristics) you will be no more than a bitter person, lost in meaningless
generalizations.
If you are young and are getting married,
don't let the unkind words of those around you discourage you. Of course,
Elizabeth and those who agree with her are correct that you should not be
making hasty decisions. If you feel as though your decision to get
married is going to hinder your ability to be a fulfilled individual then please call off that
wedding. Marriage is not for everyone, and this post is not meant to
extol the virtues of marriage over single life. Unlike Elizabeth, I
believe that how to live is one's personal choice, and no one lifestyle is
inherently better than another. What matters is what is fulfilling for
YOU. Do I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my marriage is going to
stand the test of time? No, I don't, because I can't see the future.
But you can be damn sure that I'm going to try my hardest to make it
work. My advice is to make the most educated decision you can and get
married - or not.
And please, don't let anyone tell you
you're too young.
